14. Our Need To Belong

It's human to want to belong.  It's in our DNA as we are created in the image of our triune God, designed for communion with Him and with one another.  

People pleasing keeps us from being known not just to ourselves but unknown by others.  Our performing may keep us included, but when we realize we aren't known for being authentically ourselves, then it can feel lonely.  

As followers of Jesus, we belong to the family of God.  It's not transactional like human belonging can be, it's unconditional.  God tells us in His Word “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Practice expressing your God created self and attract the aligned people.  And the next time you walk into a room of peers/friends and feel alone ... you belong to God and He's always with you.  😉

For more resources:  https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're listening in today. Today's episode is going to be focused on our need to be long. You know, we all feel the want to be accepted, understood, and part of something that's that feels real. There's nothing weak about that need. It's what makes us human. And if you've ever walked into a room that's full of your peers and friends and yet felt alone, then this episode is for you. Because belonging is part of our DNA. We were created in the image of a relational triu God. And from the very beginning, we were designed for communion, first with Him and then with each other. But how does people pleasing erode that true authentic need and feeling of belonging? Let's dive into that. First, it can start out very slow and subtly. What starts as connection may slowly turn into performance. We adjust, we agree, and we soften parts of ourselves, not always consciously, but with an agenda that will we will be liked enough to stay included. And over time, those small adjustments, those small people pleasing adjustments build into something heavier, a version of you that fits, but does not fully exist. That version of you that's not real. The question is not whether we want to belong. It's really what are we willing to give up to belong? And people pleasers, listen up. We are willing to give a lot, but we're gonna make a change there, aren't we? Keep listening. Real belonging was never meant to require your silence. It doesn't demand that you shrink, bend, or betray who you are. The moment you stop people pleasing, you may lose some connection. You finally return, though, to the one that matters most. And that's who God created. That woman, that's you, yourself. I've learned that people pleasing is actually more of a quiet desperation to belong. You start trading honesty for harmony until one day you realize you've become so good at reading everyone else that you don't know how to read yourself. And the belonging you get from that, well, it's conditional. It only works as long as you keep disappearing and keep performing. I'm learning now that real belonging asks something much scarier, at first at least. And the ask is to be seen clearly, to disappoint people sometimes, and to say no without overexplaining. People don't talk enough about how expensive belonging can be. Not in a money way, but in a self-respect, in a silence, in the slow erosion of who you are kind of ways. People pleasing often starts innocently. You laugh when something really isn't funny, you say yes when you're exhausted, and again, you shrink or soften your opinions so no one feels uncomfortable. It feels like connection, like you're finally being accepted, but somewhere along the way you realize people don't actually know you, they know the version of you that you're presenting. When you realize that no one really knows the real you, that feels lonely. That's a hidden cost of belonging when you trade your authenticity for approval. And the truth is, real belonging doesn't ask that of you, it asks you to arrive as you are, even if that means that not everyone stays. I used to tell myself that I was just being easygoing, flexible. But what I was actually doing was making myself easier to digest. And the strange part of that is that it actually worked. I was a people pleaser most of my life, and people liked me. But what I wasn't doing was respecting myself. Here's what I also know now that the fear that the real me would be rejected, that's an old fear. That's a very much younger version of me than who I am today. I learned it to survive an abusive life and it did its job, but it's not needed anymore. Back in the days when I was young and vulnerable, we learned early that acceptance had conditions. Perhaps you learned early that acceptance had conditions, and we met them so that we would be included, especially in our family of origin. We studied what people needed, became it, and called that connection. However, now that we're older and wiser, we know that that was not connection. It was transactional. It was not connection, it was a transaction we didn't know we were making, and we were the currency. Oftentimes in our family of origin, when we stopped performing, the belonging disappeared. As you have found healing, maybe you have already created new adult relationships with those in your biological family. I hope so. Or that you're working on it and you're letting God participate in bringing healing and growth to your journey. Certainly, something to mention here is there is a very big difference between sitting in and belonging. One is not the same as the other. Fitting in is what we do when we are people pleasing, it's a transaction. True belonging asks you to be vulnerable and show up as you are. So, how do we find our way back from people pleasing and into true belonging? A secular researcher, Brene Brown, says our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. As believers, we can take that a step deeper. Our sense of belonging is rooted in God's acceptance. When we realize that we already belong thoroughly to God through life, death, and the resurrection of Jesus, the pressure to earn a seat at the human table starts to lift. People pleasing was how we earned belonging before we knew it was a gift that we already had. If you grew up in a home where your needs were neglected or where love felt like it had strings attached, hear this. The fear that the real you will be rejected is an old fear. True belonging is a practice, it requires us to be welcomed, accept that God has already opened the door, to be known, risk being seen, even the messy parts. That's hard for me. Be supported, allow others to carry your burdens, not just your highlights. I bet you've carried many burdens for many people. Let me remind you of Romans 12, 5. It tells us that in Christ we form one body, and every member belongs to all the others. And in 1 Corinthians, it tells us that we cannot stop belonging to the body. We belong to the body of Christ. And Revelation paints this gorgeous picture of a diverse multitude in the ultimate place of belonging, the holy city. So as I close, my friend, real belonging doesn't ask you to disappear, it asks you to show up, to be the woman, to know the woman that God created you to be. True belonging asks you to be present without sacrificing who God created you to be. You don't have to be easier to digest for the kingdom of God. You are a member of the body. You are needed, you are known, and in Him you finally truly belong. Thanks for joining me today. Go out there and be exactly whom He made you to be. Until next time.