15. The Dark Side Of Mother's Day

Mother's Day isn't always joyful for lots of reasons.  Today's epidsode talks about the mother you needed but didn't get.  We cover some ways to process those hard feelings of disappointment, grief, abandonment, and anger.  We resolve our hurts by leaning into God's word and His promises.  With His help, we can forgive and find freedom and peace as replacements for those harsh feelings.  Listen in for some ways to get started on your healing journey.

If you want help on your journey, contact us at https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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There's big feels around Mother's Day, especially when you didn't get the one you needed. I don't know of a woman who doesn't dream of being close to their mom, to have fun experiences together, nurturing, and a mom that modeled healthy behaviors that helped you grow into a ready and equipped adult. I'm talking today to the woman that feels sad, hurt, disappointment, abandonment, and anger around Mother's Day because frankly, you got ripped off. And girl, I see you. I couldn't be more different from my mom. I've always been a deep feeler, sensitive. My mom, I don't think she's ever turned on too many emotions. We're very, very different. So when your relationship is complicated with your mom, the card store, well, they just rub salt into the wound by making all these warm and fuzzy, drippy cards that express boundless love, attention, and care. For those that didn't have that kind of mom, it's nauseating. So I suggest go with a funny card and get the heck out of the store before the anger spills out or the tears start dripping. So what types of moms am I talking about? Well, there's the I just can't please her type. Repetitively, you offer a gift, take her to a place, and it's just not good enough. She says, I don't know why we didn't go to XYZ place. That's where all my friends get taken. Or she might say, Oh, I love flowers, but why didn't you get my favorite color, purple? At the end of the day, it's mostly about her, and the relationship doesn't develop with much depth. It creates grief to have a mom like this because you don't feel seen, valued, or known. It's one of our deepest human needs to be known. And don't we all want to be known by our moms? Well, then there's the emotionally distant type. You might be able to please her, but then she backs up into a shadow. That pleasing mom kind of disappears. Perhaps she also likes to manipulate. You really don't know which mom you're going to get when you visit. Is it the happy mom that's loving and listening? Or is it the aloof mom that doesn't seem to hear or appear interested in your life or what you're saying and doing? Maybe you don't see the happy connecting mom often, but just enough to keep your hopes up. Your expectations are set for some quality, good time, but disappointment and grief appears when you can't get past the weather and what's going on in the news. And then my final category is includes the emotionally immature type. Sadly, this mom did not blossom emotionally. She's still a bud of beauty that didn't expand into who she was designed to be. There isn't a capacity to love you. There are sound bites, but the heart isn't involved. You can feel that something is flat and missing. Maybe she expresses her love with food, gifts, or some other way that doesn't quite reach the heart and meaningful connection. So what to do? Number one, sit with those feelings about your mom. Our human tendency is to avoid those feelings, which means you don't resolve the complicated relationship. I also recommend that you journal about your feelings. What are your expectations? Are they realistic at this point? I mean, you're an adult now. Does your mom's pattern indicate your expectations are in need of change? And then another suggestion is to talk to the empty chair. So by talking to your mom as though she were sitting in the chair, then you're not doing any harm by sharing that anger, that disappointment. You're projecting it out, you're expressing it, but you're not hurting your feelings. And sometimes having even an emotionally kind conversation with our moms, it just may not land. You may get a lot of excuses, you may get defenses. So it's not always best. Sometimes it can be productive, but I caution you there. At this initial stage, I suggest that you express those feelings with the empty chair, and then maybe a conversation can happen after you get out some of those raw feelings. Moving on to number two, what can you do? Well, my question here then is are you taking care of yourself in a way that says, I love you? You are enough, not only in narrative, but in your actions too. So I make it a point to get to my exercise classes because they make me feel good and I want to go. I also have a flower garden that brings me great joy, and I paddleboard and I enjoy manatees, dolphins, and all kinds of wildlife. This is me giving myself value and joy. So, my question again: are you taking care of yourself in a way that says you matter? Number three, consider why your mom is the way she is. This was very helpful to me when I understood how she grew up, then I understood why her emotions didn't develop. So understanding can bring compassion, which in turn helps us to forgive. It doesn't mean you haven't been harmed. It does, however, help you understand that her poor skills were about her and her journey rather than an intention to hurt you with neglect. Number four, forgiveness, which is a process, by the way, that gives you freedom. We don't have a forgive button. I wish we did, but God wants us to work it out. So identify what you are willing to forgive, make it tangible because a vague forgiveness, yeah, I forgive her, will likely not be helpful. And by the way, ask God to help you with this. And finally, number five, grow. Develop the skills that weren't modeled for you. Don't use the victim card and stagnate due to resentment. Blossom into the flower God created you to be. And sometimes the safest way to express honor to your mom is from a distance or with time boundaries. A long drawn-out brunch on Sunday may challenge your emotional regulation skills or this wonderful idea of a weekend trip. I suggest that you create a plan with time limits that allows your best self to show up without combustion. Let's put away the fantasy of if I do everything perfectly, she'll praise me, she'll love me, she'll approve of me. If it hasn't happened yet, and you've been trying to hit the bullseye for how many years? Then I doubt it's about you hitting the bullseye. The verse, God is close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34, 18. It's a widely cited scripture offering comfort, stating that God is near to those with broken hearts and saves those crushed in spirit. And I don't know anybody that has a complicated or even estranged relationship with their mom that isn't feeling crushed in spirit and that hasn't experienced a broken heart. So hold tight to Psalm 34, 18. While Psalm 68.5 specifically calls God father to the fatherless, the broader context of scripture describes God's nurturing love as maternal. So here's some maternal imagery of God to hold on to. Matthew 6, 14, 15 emphasizes that if we do not forgive others their trespasses, God will not forgive ours. That's to be taken serious, folks. Matthew 6, 14 to 15. And let me remind you, forgiveness is a process. Ask God to help you. Okay, and one more tough pill to swallow, but the truth will set you free. Ephesians 6.2. Honor your father and mother. Now that doesn't mean that you have to obey them. You're an adult now living your own adult life. But what honor does mean is to be kind, respectful, helpful when you can, and have boundaries. Ladies, we can have boundaries and honor our mothers. So if Mother's Day brings up a lot of hard emotions for you, you have company. Then that is also your body telling you a great message that there's some emotional healing that's needed. If you'd like more help on this healing journey, then send me a message at coaching at rondamorales.com. You take care of you. Stay close to God until next time.