19. Resentment Builds in the Silence

When we don't talk through what bothers us, resentment tends to build.  Fear keeps us from having the hard conversations and the silence causes the relationship to decay.  Don't let fear make your choices for you.  Your relationships deserve the chance of repair and to then grow stronger.  Listen in on how you and God together can prepare for having those awkward conversations, stealing the silence the chance to let resentment win.

https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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Hi, friends, and thanks for listening to Forget People Pleasing. I'm your host, Rhonda Morales, therapist and coach for women who are learning to honor who God created them to be instead of appeasing people. Today we're talking about something that affects marriages, friendships, family relationships, church relationships, and even work relationships. We're talking about how resentment builds when we are afraid to have uncomfortable conversations. Because here's the truth relationships usually don't fall apart overnight. They tend to die slowly because too many things went unsaid for too long. We don't like bringing up topics that might feel awkward, maybe emotional, or even confrontational. So instead of addressing the issue, we avoid it. We tell ourselves, oh, it's really not that big of a deal. We try to maybe pray it away without even having a conversation. We act like we're being peaceful, but the resentment starts building, and then we may even start avoiding the person. So quiet quitting can become an escape route instead of having the hard conversation that might actually bring understanding and repair. I remember a dear friend who had been very supportive during some rough life events in my life. And I was there for the times that she faced a very devastating event. We had what I considered a solid friendship, and we were in each other's closest friend group. And I think about how even Jesus had his closest three, Peter, James, and John. There's something very meaningful about having people who feel close and safe and trusted. But for several months there seemed to be crickets. There was a distance, a silence. Something had changed. I had reached out twice and shared that I missed her. She was a very fun person. I also asked, was there a reason she had become distant? I wasn't trying to accuse her. I was just trying to understand this change in behavior. But I was told I was being too sensitive. On my third attempt to talk about the status of our friendship, and this was over a course of several months, she refused to meet with me privately. And to this day, I do not know what the connect was about. But the behavior told me where my value was in her life. And that was very painful. And if I'm honest, there had been a prior pattern that resembled what I just described, but I wrote it off. I didn't require I didn't inquire. I didn't ask the hard questions. I sure wish I had, because maybe there was something I was doing that was irksome. Maybe I had hurt her and I didn't know it. Maybe I had a blind spot. And honestly, I would have rather known than not know. I still don't know. We all have blind spots, don't we? We all have shortcomings that we don't see. We're all fallen humans in this post-Garden of Eden world. And we will hurt and annoy others at times without even intending to. That doesn't mean every relationship can be saved, but I do believe that meaningful relationships deserve honesty and humility and at least an attempt at repair when possible. That brings me back to the point of today's episode, which is choosing to have uncomfortable conversations in a way that is patient and compassionate. And let me also mention self-controlled, especially when the relationship has been meaningful. Before having one of these conversations, I really suggest, as you can imagine, lifting it up in prayer. Ask God to reveal any wrongdoing on your part. Ask Him to soften your heart. Ask Him to give you wisdom, courage, and self-control. Let's look at Psalm 139, verses 23 through 24. Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. This is such a powerful prayer that we can pray anytime and certainly before entering a difficult conversation. Sometimes we can walk into these conversations ready to defend ourselves and prove our point. But this psalm, the one I just read, invites us to ask, Lord, is there anything in me I need to see? Is there anything I'm missing? Is there anything offensive? It takes humility, doesn't it? And in addition to Psalm 139, I always want to ask God for courage too before having one of these conversations because hard conversations are called hard conversations for a reason. Sometimes resolution is achieved, sometimes the relationship continues and may even be stronger. Sometimes both people are willing to listen and take responsibility, offer repair, and move forward with more clarity and more compassion, maybe more grace. And sometimes, as in the situation I just shared with you, resolution is not found and the friendship dies. I grieve that friendship for a long time, like months. But I'm grateful that I was willing, not once, but three times to try to talk it through to the other side. Now, I want to emphasize one more point in this episode. It is so much harder to have a conversation after resentment has been building for months or years. By that time, you may not even want resolution. You just might want out. You may feel so irritated or hurt or exhausted that you can't even stand the person anymore. Or you may tend to just explode once you start talking because the pressure has been building for so long. Friends, that's not living in peace. And that is certainly not loving one another as Jesus asked us to do. And believe me, there are no halos over my head, friends. I have messed up plenty of relationships. I've avoided conversations, I've let resentment build. I've told myself stories that may not have even been based in facts. I've reacted from a place of hurt instead of responding from emotional maturity. So I am not speaking from a place of judgment. I'm speaking from a place of growth. Skills like emotional regulation, boundaries, and checking the stories we tell ourselves can make a huge impact on developing and nurturing healthy, fulfilling relationships, whether those relationships are platonic, romantic, family-based, or professional. Because friends, we can tell ourselves some doozy stories. She doesn't care about me. He knows exactly what he's doing. I don't matter to them. And sometimes those stories may be accurate, but sometimes they are based on assumptions built from old wounds, from fear, from insecurity or past relational trauma. That is why we need to slow down before we react and use that beautiful emotional regulation skill of pause. Any conversation that has resentment to unpack needs the intentional presence of the fruit of the spirit. Let's look at Galatians 5, 22 through 23. It tells us that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Can you imagine how different our hard conversations would be if we entered them with the fruit of the spirit, not sarcasm or blame or the laundry list of wrongs done to us, but from a place that's grounded and prayerful, honest. That conversation may start something like this. I value this relationship and I've noticed some distance between us. I'd like to understand if something has happened. Okay, that sounds like a good intro. Or another suggestion is I want to talk about something that's been bothering me because I don't want resentment to grow between us. Either way you take it, that kind of conversation takes courage and it also takes humility. And I want to remind you that emotionally and spiritually healthy people are willing to resolve and repair, or at least help us see what needs to be improved. And when constructive feedback is offered during these awkward conversations, then we need to be willing to put our ego aside and listen. That doesn't mean we need to accept false accusations, then it doesn't mean we need to take responsibility for things that aren't ours. And it also doesn't mean that we allow someone to mistreat us in the name of being humble, but it does mean we stay open to the possibility that we may have something to learn. So let me summarize this episode with three steps. First, pray and meditate on Psalm 139 verses 23 to 24. Ask God to search your heart and reveal any role you may have played in the decline of the relationship. Second, prepare for the conversation by applying Galatians 5 verses 22 to 23. Ask yourself, how can I bring the fruit of the Spirit into this conversation? And third, let go of the outcome. God has given people free will. You can invite a healthy conversation, but you cannot force someone to participate. You can offer repair and humility, but you cannot control how the other person responds. And if feedback is offered, consider it. Pray about it. Let it grow you in your journey of becoming more like Jesus. And if the person refuses to engage or dismisses you, blames you or walks away, then grieve what needs to be grieved. But don't abandon yourself. Try to keep someone who has already decided not to value the relationship. Friends, you don't have to keep swallowing your feelings to keep the peace. That's the people-pleasing part. Real peace is not built on silence, it's built on truth, humility, and love. So ask God for courage, take the next right step, and trust Him with the outcome. Until next time, friends.