20. Not Everyone Has To Like You

When we NEED people to like us, let's pause and ask some questions to help us reflect on where this need is coming from.

When we weren't included as a child, then being liked as an adult may feel much bigger than it really is.  It might not feel like a simple preference, but rejection, failure, or that something is wrong with you.

Being liked is a preference, not a value statement.  

Your worth is from God and He calls you loved, chosen, and His.

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Transcript

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Hi friends and welcome back to Forget People Pleasing. Today we're talking about something most people pleasers know intellectually but still struggle to live out emotionally. Not everyone has to like you. Now, if you're a people pleaser, that sentence may sound a little rude at first because probably you want everyone to like you. And maybe there's even a part of you that thinks, well, why wouldn't someone like me? And I get that. We try to be agreeable and helpful, Lord knows, flexible and low maintenance. Intellectually, you may understand that not everyone is going to like you, but knowing it in your head doesn't always keep your heart from trying to win the missed popularity contest. So today I want to slow that down and ask a few questions that may help put this need to be liked into a healthier perspective. So when you want someone to like you, what are you really looking for? Are you looking for worth or value? Are you looking for belonging? Are you trying to feel chosen, included, or even important? And here's another question: where did that need begin? For some of us, the need to be liked didn't start in adulthood. It started in our families growing up. Maybe you grew up feeling like you had to earn attention. Maybe you felt like love was connected to being quiet, agreeable, or even impressive. Maybe you didn't really feel like you were part of the family. Maybe you felt like you were looking in from the outside, watching everybody else belong while you were trying to figure out what role you had to play to be included. When belong feels uncertain as a child, approval can start to feel like safety. So as an adult, being liked may feel much bigger than it really is. It may not feel like simple preference, it may feel like rejection, it may feel like failure, and it may feel like proof that something is wrong with you. So that's very important to consider. If you weren't part of a community in your family growing up, then wanting everybody to like you as an adult really stems back to the family of origin. Someone not liking you is not proof that something is wrong with you. Sometimes people just don't click. Sometimes your personalities are different, and your energy and value system is different. Your sense of humor can be different, and your season of life can be different. And here's the part that we sometimes forget. You don't like everyone either. Now that doesn't mean you're judgmental or that something's wrong with them. It just means you're human. You may respect someone, you might be kind to them and wish them well and still not want to spend a lot of time with them. That's not rejection, that's preference. And if you're allowed to have preferences, then so are other people. Now, this becomes unhealthy when your desire to be liked causes you to abandon yourself. Here's some questions to consider. How far will you go to get someone to like you? Will you hide your opinion, your thoughts, your expressions? Will you laugh at things that really aren't funny? Will you say will you betray your values just to be included? And will you tolerate disrespect because you're afraid if you speak up, you'll lose your place? That's where people pleasing gets expensive because now you're not just being kind, you're trading pieces of yourself, your authentic self, for approval. I like to think of it this way sometimes. I don't like everything other people like to do either. So let me tell you a little story. There was someone I paddle boarded with who asked me several times to go to a musical with her. And I don't know why, but I just don't enjoy musicals. It's way too much singing for me. Apparently, I'm challenged in this area. I mean, Mama Mia 2 almost killed me. I don't know how many times I looked at my watch. So after she asked me a few times, I finally just told her the truth. I just said, I just can't do musicals. And you know what? We had a really good laugh. We're still friends. We paddle board together when she wants to paddle board. And she doesn't ask me to go to musicals anymore. And that's the beauty of honest relationships. We don't have to pretend to love what we don't love. You don't have to perform enthusiasm, and you don't have to become a musical girl if you're not a musical girl. You can be honest, kind, and still connected. That's what we're aiming for. We're not trying to become dismissive or hard-hearted. We're not walking around saying, I don't care what people think about me. That's not emotional healthy either. We do care. We're relational people. God created us for connection. But connection should not require self-abandonment. So let's be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to choose you, not everyone is going to understand you. Not everyone is going to invite you, include you, appreciate you, or value what you bring. And that will sting sometimes. But it does not have to define you. Your worth and value do not come from being everyone's favorite. Your worth and value comes from God who created you, loves you, and calls you his. When you begin to receive your worth from who God says you are, you don't have to hustle so hard for human approval. You can let people have their opinions, you can let people have their preferences, and you can let people misunderstand you without chasing them down to fix it. And you can trust that your people will be drawn to the real you, not the overperforming you. So maybe the invitation today is this stop auditioning for approval from people who may not even be your people. The right people won't require you to disappear in order to belong. And when that old cliche rises up, the one that says, but I want them to like me. Pause and ask yourself, what am I really looking for here? Because if what you're looking for is worth value, belonging, or reassurance that you matter, take that need back to the one who created you. God never asks you to be liked by everyone. He called you loved, chosen, and his. So take a deep breath, friend. Let people have their preferences. Let yourself have your own preferences. And trust that as you become more honest, grounded, more fully yourself, the people meant for you will recognize you. So until next time, friends.