21. The Bully From Your Past

We've all been hurt ... and some of us have an identified BULLY that caused us harm.  There's a pseudo power in holding a grudge against that bully.

This episode is how our unhealed hurt can freeze an unfair picture of that person in our mind and heart -- in current day they may regret their behavior, be a kinder, gentler version of who they used to be.  But our ego and/or our hurt can keep us from seeing that version that may even be in clear view.  

Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it can change the hold that the past has on you.  

Matthew 6:14-15

https://www.rhondamorales.com

Transcript

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Hi, and thanks for listening to Forget People Pleasing. I'm your host, Rhonda Morales, therapist and coach for women seeking to honor who God created them to be instead of living for the approval of people. We don't always see people as they are today in their current version. And sometimes we continue to see them from the time and place in which they hurt us. Even if they have experienced emotional and spiritual growth, we may still view them through the lens of that painful time. When someone hurts us, it is easy to become stuck with that version of them. The version who embarrassed us or rejected us, the version who spoke cruelly and acted selfishly, and our pain can freeze a person in time. So today's episode is about the bully who hurt you when you were young. Perhaps that bully was a sibling, a parent, a neighbor, or someone from school or church. Maybe it was someone who repeatedly picked on you or excluded you, criticized you, or treated you as though you just didn't matter. And perhaps all these years later, you're still wounded by it. You may even be holding a grudge. There can be a kind of pseudo-power in holding onto a grudge. We tell ourselves, I'm not letting you off the hook because you don't deserve it. And I have certainly felt that way. Sometimes people can be mean. And when I remember what they say or did, my ego wants to jump into the driver's seat and refuse to let it go. My ego wants to keep presenting the evidence in all those details, and it wants to insist that releasing the offense would somehow mean that the offense didn't matter. But forgiveness is not saying that what happened was acceptable or okay. It does not mean pretending that you weren't hurt, and it does not mean restoring trust where there has been no repentance, change, or emotional safety. Forgiveness means surrendering my right to remain the judge, the jury, and the collector of the debt. It means placing the person, the offense, and the outcome into the hands of Jesus. I have found that when I'm willing to examine why someone may have said or done what they did, understanding can sometimes lead to grace, and grace can begin opening the door to forgiveness. Maybe they were trying to survive painful circumstances of their own. Maybe they were repeating behavior that had been modeled to them. And maybe they were insecure, jealous, frightened, immature, or desperate to feel powerful. Maybe they didn't have the emotional awareness to even understand the damage and hurt they were causing you. None of that excuses their behavior. Understanding is not the same as excusing. Understanding simply allows us to look at the entire person and not only the moment in which they failed us. We often say hurt people hurt people. Many of the wounds we carried were caused by people who were trying to survive their own harsh circumstances. Their pain spilled out onto the people around them, and unfortunately, sometimes it spilled out onto us. As children, we cannot understand that. Or this person is hurting me because they do not know how to deal with their own pain. No, we just simply knew as children that we hurt and we felt rejected, maybe humiliated, criticized, abandoned, or unloved. And as children, we often turned someone else's harmful behavior into a belief about ourselves. We may have decided we weren't good enough. Maybe we decided we weren't likable and that something was wrong with us. And maybe even we we thought or we believed that we deserved the treatment we received. Their pain became our wound, and their inability to treat us with love may have become our belief that we were difficult to love. But there is another part of forgiveness that can be uncomfortable to consider, and that is what role might I have played in some of the situations I continue to replay. That question does not apply, though, to abuse, exploitation, or circumstance in which a child was harmed by someone with greater power. A child is never responsible for an adult's abusive behavior. But in some relational conflicts, especially those that occurred between peers, siblings, friends, or even later in our adult lives, there may be value. I believe there is significant value in honestly examining our own words, reactions, and behavior. I've done and said many hurtful things during both my childhood and my adult years. And so have you. This is not a condemnation, it's simply part of being human. We have all been the wounded person, and at times we have also been the person who caused a wound. Let's not compete over who has accumulated the most hurt or who has been hurt the worst. Our pain matters, and so does the truth that every one of us is in need of grace. Matthew 6, 14 to 15 tells us, your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you, but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you. Those are words spoken by Jesus in his sermon on the Mount. And this is a very challenging passage, isn't it? Because we have been forgiven of our wrongdoing through the sacrifice of Jesus, we are also called to forgive those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is not always a single decision followed by an immediate emotional relief. Sometimes it's a process of repeatedly surrendering the same hurt to Jesus. It may include praying, Lord, I still feel angry, I still feel wounded, it wasn't fair, I still want to hold this person responsible in my mind. Please help me release what I cannot release on my own. Sometimes exploring what caused someone to behave as they did can help us move through that process. And again, not because their circumstances excuse their behavior, but because understanding may soften the rigid picture we have carried of them. Taking ownership of the wrongs and hurts we have caused can also open our reflective eyes to our own sinful hearts. No one is without sin. When I remember how much grace I have needed, it becomes more difficult to insist that someone else is permanently defined by the worst thing they ever did. I believe this process can help us see people as they are today. Not only as they were when they hurt us, the person you remember as a bully may now be a much kinder person than you have ever allowed yourself to see. They may have grown emotionally, spiritually, and they may regret the person they once were. They may have surrendered their own wounds to Jesus and allowed him to change the way they treat others. The question is, have you allowed the picture in your mind to change? Or are you still requiring them to remain the monster from your past? Sometimes the person truly has not changed. Their current behavior continues to reveal the same harmful patterns. Seeing them accurately may mean accepting that reality and maintaining wise boundaries. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean giving someone unlimited access to your life, and forgiveness does not mean ignoring repeated harmful behavior. But other times the person has changed, and our pain has not updated the picture. It may be the work of the ego that keeps us from releasing that hurt. The ego wants to protect the old story because the old story gives us a clear villain, it lets us remain completely innocent while the other person remains completely guilty. But grace asks us to see more fully. Grace allows us to acknowledge you hurt me, and you may not be the same person anymore. Jesus is in the business of renewing people. And as we surrender to him, we do begin to transform. We're not perfect, we'll still make mistakes, but through the work of Jesus, we can become a long way removed from the person we were when those harmful, hurtful behaviors were unleashed. Think for a moment about your life. Would you want to be permanently judged by something you said as a kid, maybe at 16? Would you want someone to define you by the way you behave during the most broken season of your life? Would you want to be frozen forever in the version of yourself that had not yet learned, matured, healed, or surrendered? I'm guessing probably not. We hope people will recognize our growth and we hope that they will offer us grace. We hope that they see who we are today and not only who we were during our worst moments. Perhaps we can begin extending that same grace to others. So who might you need to forgive? Who is the person your pain has frozen in time? And who are they really today? Have they grown? Have they become softer, wiser, kinder, and more gracious? Is it possible that you have been relating to a memory rather than the person who currently stands in front of you? You may discover that the person you have carried as a monster from your past is now someone very different. And even when reconciliation is not appropriate, forgiveness can release you from continuing to carry the weight of what happened. You can simply allow Jesus to heal what happened, release the debt into his hands, and help you see both yourself and the other person through the clearer lens of grace. Maybe today is the day to stop allowing an old version of someone to occupy so much space in your heart. Ask Jesus to show you what needs to be released, what still needs to be healed, and what you may not be seeing clearly. Because forgiveness does not change the past, but it sure can change the hold the past has on you. Think about that. Until next time, friends.