22. Before You Cut Them Off

Do you tolerate negative behavior or cut them off?  Actually, there's another option that might be the better one.  

We tend to avoid having hard conversations, but being honest creates the possibility of understanding, repairing, and resolving relationship problems.  It's what keeps our relationships healthy rather than building in resentment.

As people pleasing we need to release the outcome of the conversation and notice the valuable information by HOW the person responds. If there isn't room for your truth, your needs, or your boundaries, then you will see where you fit in that person's life.

Only Jesus was perfect.  We ALL have room for improvement.

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Transcript

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Welcome to the Forget People Pleasing Show. And today we're talking about what a client recently asked me. She said, should I just tolerate her negative behavior or cut her off? She was talking about her mom, and what I want to talk about in today's episode is a third option, which is before you cut them off or continue to tolerate the negative behavior. Let's get back to my client and her circumstance. She and her mom have had a difficult relationship for years. Her mom tends to blame and complain, usually about how unfair life is treating her. She's also not very dependable when it comes to following through with plans. My client keeps finding herself stuck on the merry-go-round of expectations, hoping someday her mom will become the attentive, reliable mom and grandma she has always wanted her to be. Does that sound familiar to anyone out there continuing to stay in the expectations that someday they will become who they want, who you want them to be? Oh, yes, I've been in that line many times. So you keep hoping that this time will be different, right? This time they're gonna show up. This time they'll keep their promise. This time they're gonna be supportive instead of critical, maybe even attentive instead of distracted, or encouraging instead of negative. But after another disappointment, you're left wondering, okay, do I just keep tolerating this or do I cut them off? So the other option between those two is this. And it's an option that many people don't know how to use, and honestly, one that many of us would rather avoid. It's having an honest and kind conversation. An honest conversation creates the possibility of understanding relationship repair and resolution. It doesn't guarantee those things, of course. You can't control how the other person receives what you say, but the conversation gives the relationship an opportunity to become more honest and healthy. As people pleasers, we tend to become overly attached to the outcome of these conversations. We worry, what if they get mad at me? What if they become defensive and want to argue? What if they decide I'm selfish, difficult, or too sensitive? I've heard a few. I have heard a few of those before. Meanwhile, we continue tolerating behaviors that leave us anxious, stressed out, and it grows into resentment. Sometimes we even invite someone to an important event, knowing their behavior may suck the joy and celebration right out of the experience. Then we spend the whole day managing them instead of enjoying the people and the moments that matter. So, what might an honest conversation sound like? Let me give you some scripts. You might say, I didn't invite you to my birthday party because in the past I've had to take care of you and drive you home after you drank too much. I really wanted to relax and enjoy my birthday this year. Or I don't ask you to watch the kids anymore because I'm not comfortable with them swimming in the pool without attentive supervision. Their safety has to come first. Or perhaps you have a friend who wants to call all the shots. Here's how you might address that friend. I haven't invited you over recently because I feel anxious and pressured when I don't want to do what you suggest. I want my interests and preferences to be heard too. Now, these conversations are not warm and fuzzy. They may feel awkward and your heart will probably race and maybe even your voice shake a little bit. But they communicate truth. And notice that each of these conversations focuses not only on the other person's behavior, but also on a boundary. The boundary of I want to relax on my birthday, I want my children to be safe. I want my thoughts, preferences, and interests to matter in this relationship. A healthy boundary identifies what you will and what you will not continue allowing in your relationship. It isn't simply you need to change. It is because this behavior continues. Here's what I'm going to do differently. You are the one empowered. It's what you are going to do differently rather than demand that someone change because you know we have no control over whether someone will do any changing or not. There are two more things, though, that I want you to remember when having a difficult conversation. First, you do not need to overexplain your truth or your boundary. People pleasers often provide 10 paragraphs of explanation because we're hoping that the other person will finally say, Oh, now I understand, you're right. Your boundary is completely reasonable, dear. Music to our ears, right? But the more you explain, the more opportunities you may give someone to argue with every detail. You can be kind, clear, and brief. Now, second, do not allow yourself to be pulled into a debate. You can listen to someone else's perspective without surrendering your own. You might say, I understand that you see it differently, but this is still what I need. Or I'm not asking you to agree with me, I'm letting you know what I've decided. Someone who wants to argue with your experience may not be willing to accept your perspective, even after you've thoughtfully reflected and clearly identified the problem. That information is very important. Relationships that are superficial, obligatory, and fake are not deeply meaningful relationships. If there is no room in the relationship for your truth, your needs, or your boundaries, then you have received some very important information about where you fit in that person's life. Let that land for a minute. The cost of tolerating unhealthy behavior is almost always resentment. You may remain physically present in the relationship, but emotionally you begin pulling away. You stop trusting and sharing. You become irritated at the things that the person does because the original problem was never addressed. The cost of having the conversation may be that the other person becomes distant, but their decision to distance themselves is different from you immediately dismissing or cutting them off without first communicating what is wrong. By having the conversation, you give the relationship an opportunity, a chance. You have told the truth, you've communicated what needs to change, you've explained what you will do differently if it doesn't. What they do with that information and that opportunity is their responsibility. And that's where we have to let go of the outcome. It takes humility and an open heart to hear constructive feedback. Not everybody is emotionally or spiritually ready to consider that there may be room for improvement, but there is room for improvement in every single one of us. Only one person who walked this earth was perfect, and that was Jesus. The rest of us are learning, growing, or making mistakes, and hopefully becoming willing to repair the hurt we have caused. So perhaps the choice isn't always to tolerate the behavior or cut the person off. Perhaps the next right step is to tell the truth with kindness, establish the boundary, and allow their response to reveal what kind of relationship is genuinely possible. So until next time, friends.