24. Why It's So Hard to Ask For Help

Do you struggle with asking for help.  I'm getting better at it.  I was embarrassed and afraid of people seeing my messy middle.  I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling.  All messaging from my childhood. No surprise there.  

Listen in for why we struggle and what to do to start over coming the fears of rejection and judgement of asking for help.  

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Welcome to the Forget People Pleasing Show. And today we're talking about something that sounds simple but can be incredibly difficult for many of us. Asking for help. Maybe you've asked for help as a child and didn't receive it, or maybe you were ignored, dismissed, shamed, or even yelled at for asking for help. When that happens chronically, a child can quickly learn it's safer to figure things out on my own. I grew up in a nice house. I had nice clothes. We lived in a safe, pretty community, and our house was clean and we ate good food. But my emotional needs were not met. Asking for help was often met with gruffness, dismissal, or shame. I remember being a middle school girl and telling my mom that I thought it was time for me to start wearing a bra. You would have thought I had asked for a brand new car. The shopping trip felt more obligatory than it did mother-daughter supportive and doing something very intimate and personal like bra shopping. You know, bra shopping as a middle school kid is awkward enough. There I was bearing my little boobies in front of strange women who wanted to check whether the bra fit right or not. And I had no emotional support or compassion from my mom to help me through the discomfort. So, oh my goodness, we often say our parents were doing the best they could, and I believe mine were. But recognizing that they did their best does not erase the hurt, or in this case, the embarrassment, the lack of support. It does not erase the inaccurate beliefs that we develop about ourselves along the way. And many kids are given responsibilities far beyond what is appropriate for their age. They may be expected to watch and care for younger siblings, manage the mood of an unhealthy parent, maybe even keep the peace in the home, or take on tasks that compensate for emotionally and or physically unavailable adults. The child, of course, then becomes responsible and the capable one and the one who doesn't need anything. And that pressure to be entirely self-reliant can follow us right into adulthood. That's how we become so hyperindependent and why it is so darn difficult for many of us to then ask for help. When help was unavailable, when asking did not result in receiving, or when asking came with an emotional price tag, the hyper-independence can develop. So we begin then saying things like, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want anybody to know I'm struggling. I used to really get stuck with not wanting anybody to see my messy middle. I didn't want, I was embarrassed because I would I didn't want anybody to know that I was struggling. I just wanted to show my finished product. I don't know if that rings true for any of you listeners today. I I the another thing that we might say is I don't want to owe anyone a favor. And what if they judge me? What if they say no and I feel rejected all over again? The hyper independence may look like strength from the outside, but often it is a protective response rooted in disappointment. And sometimes as women, we can actually have these conversations. You know, we see somebody doing all the things, we say, Oh my gosh, how does she do it? I mean, and and she looks always put together emotionally, physically, but we don't know what's going on on the inside of that person, do we? Or one of the sad parts about all of this is that many people genuinely enjoy helping. Offering support can feel very meaningful and rewarding. Go back to the last time you offered support to someone. I'm sure that the person you were giving support to felt comforted, encouraged, and just recall wasn't that a good experience for you too. But because of our past experiences, typically as kids, we may carry the belief that asking for help will always bring judgment, rejection, shame, or obligation. Those beliefs may have applied to the people who originally taught them to us, but they do not apply to everyone. Being hyper-independent can create mental overload, physical exhaustion, as well as emotional stress. It can also have quite a negative impact on our relationships. When we continually push people away or refuse to let them support us, our relationships can remain superficial. We may appear highly capable while privately feeling deeply lonely. Partners, family, and friends may begin to feel unneeded, rejected, or even shut out of their lives. And hyperindependence also quietly communicates I don't trust you. I don't believe you will show up for me. I don't think you'll do it the way I want you to do it. I don't believe anyone is reliable. Those are some messages that get embedded. And without some level of trust, true intimacy cannot fully develop. So that's part of why asking for help can feel so darn difficult. Now, let's shift gears and talk about what we can do about it. The goal is not to move from independence to dependence. The healthier goal is interdependence, meaning that we remain capable and responsible while also allowing ourselves to rely on trustworthy people. It's the balance between knowing I can take care of myself and also knowing I do not have to do everything alone or by myself. Developing the interdependence requires us to challenge our beliefs about vulnerability and begin practicing small, low-risk ways of receiving support. Like, first of all, begin shifting your mindset about asking for help. Try to see vulnerability as an act of courage rather than a sign of weakness. And asking for help does not mean you are incapable. It means you are human. Allow other people the opportunity to help, to give to you. Some people, as we already, as I already mentioned, some people truly enjoy supporting those that they care about. When we refuse every opportunity, we may unknowingly deny them the joy of contributing to our lives. It is also important to separate your worth from your productivity. Your value is not determined by how much you accomplish, how much you carry, or how little you need from someone else. Begin noticing the thoughts that support hyperindependence. Instead of automatically thinking, I can only rely on myself, you might actually begin practicing some healthier truths. For example, there are trustworthy people in the world. It is safe to ask safe people for support. Needing help does not make me weak. I can be capable and still receive care. And in practicing some of these practical action steps, start small. For example, you may ask a coworker to proofread an email. You may ask your partner to while you're up, would you bring me dot dot dot from the kitchen? Let somebody help you carry something or delegate an errand or a household chore. Or when someone asks, let me know if you need anything, you may respond with, well, actually, if you're going to the grocery store, would you pick up this and this for me? These are small little steps that can start getting you to put into practice some of the new beliefs that you're also trying to work into your belief system. Small requests allow your nervous system to gather new evidence. And this new evidence is in contrast to the evidence that you received as a kid, growing up, not getting the help that you needed or that you asked for. So you begin learning that asking does not always lead to rejection. And another important step is identifying your safe circle. Think of two, maybe three people who have consistently shown themselves to be supportive and respectful and reliable. Not everyone is entitled to your vulnerability. So interdependence does not mean trusting everyone. It means learning to recognize who has earned the opportunity to support you. You can also communicate what you're working on. You might tell someone that you trust, I'm learning to stop doing everything by myself. So I may begin practicing asking you for help. So you can start sharing. That's certainly a vulnerable step, isn't it? Start sharing with those safe people what you're trying to do, where you're trying to grow in your life. And that kind of honesty can create actually connection and give the other person an opportunity to understand you more deeply. You can also practice sharing small emotional truths without expecting the other person to fix them. So a script might sound like this. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. I'm nervous about this decision. I could use some encouragement. I don't need you to solve this. I just am asking for you to listen. So hyperindependence can be exhausting. It will probably wear you out. And it will also wear out your relationships. There's no trophy, folks, for being the best hyperindependent woman. And honestly, that's not an award that your wellness wants you to even win. So let's look at Ecclesiastes 4, verses 9 and 10, which teaches us that two are better than one because they can help each other succeed. When one person falls, the other can reach out and help. The passage reminds us that God did not design us to walk through life alone. And then I want to bring to your attention Proverbs 27, verse 17 that says, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. We grow through relationships. We grow through relationships, not in solitude. And healthy people encourage us. They also challenge us, they support us and sometimes provide the loving friction necessary for personal and spiritual growth. The earth journey is hard. And you were never designed to carry every part of it alone. So if asking for help is difficult for you, I hope today's episode has helped you understand why. Your hyperindependence may have protected you at one time. It may have helped you survive an environment where your needs were ignored or treated like an inconvenience. But what once protected you may now be preventing you from experiencing the support, the closeness, the connection, and the care that healthy relationships can offer. So this week I challenge you take one small step from the list included in this episode. Until next time, friends.